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How to resolve conflicts and build trust

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Use these tactics

Get the information you need

Show you’re listening

Display warmth and kindness

Let’s explore these tactics with an example: Pip’s Cafe

The cafe manager wants to understand why a team member is dissatisfied and unproductive. See below how the manager uses these tactics to show they care and address the situation.

1

Use Open Questions to get the information you need

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👤 Who is needed? Just you

🧠 What’s the goal? Turn every question into a powerful learning opportunity.

👀 Why is this important? Open questions demand more than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. That’s what makes them helpful when you’re trying to extract information from someone. Choose the right open questions to use before you get into the negotiation to help you extract as much knowledge as possible.

💡 Tip: remember, any conversation can be a negotiation – even if you aren’t discussing money.

Instructions

  1. Before a negotiation, ask yourself: “What do I need to find out from my counterpart?” and “What would be nice to find out?”.
    Three sticky notes in the category 'What I need to know?' include main grievances, learning needs and career goals. Three other notes in the 'nice to know' category include what's going on out of work and improvement ideas.
  2. For each point, craft an open question that guides your counterpart to talk about the relevant topic.
    Sticky notes of open questions such as ‘What aspects of your work do you find most challenging or frustrating?’, ‘What skills or knowledge do you feel you need to develop?’, ‘How do you think this role aligns with your long-term goals?’ and ‘If you could change one thing about your role or the cafe, what would it be and why?’
  3. Frame the question in a way that makes it easy for them to go in the direction you want. For example, this question is likely to give you useful information:
    “If you could change one thing, what would it be?”
    While this question is easy to say ‘no’ to:
    “Can I help you with anything?”
  4. Prepare some additional questions to use if you think the conversation is stagnating:
    • How do you feel things are going?
    • What have we achieved together so far?
    • What’s your biggest concern?
    Additional open questions include ‘What are the main factors contributing to this situation?’, ‘How can we overcome this together?’, ‘What support or resources would help?’ and ‘How would these changes make our environment more positive and productive?’
  5. When responding to open questions, don’t give away too much. For example, if they ask what else you can add on that topic, say “Nothing I can think of”.
⬇️ As you gather information and determine what else you need to discover, build conversations where you can actively listen to your counterpart with the next tactic: Affirmative Attention.
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2

Use Affirmative Attention to show you are listening

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👤 Who is needed? Just you

🧠 What’s the goal? Encourage, label and paraphrase to demonstrate you’re listening keenly.

👀 Why is this important? You can naturally make people feel heard with these three actions. They will help your counterpart keep sharing and build a trusting relationship.

💡 Tip: practise these tricks often to make the most of the conversational magic they create.

Instructions

  1. Listen carefully to everything your counterpart says.
  2. Encourage them with polite sounds (“mm hmm”) or nods of the head. You can also indicate: “I’d like
    to hear more about that”. This shows you are paying attention.
  3. Notice when your counterpart is talking about:
    • a need they have, such as things they wish for or want to avoid, or
    • a feeling they are experiencing, such as excitement, fear, pride or sadness.
  4. If needs or feelings arise, use one of these types of open questions:
    • Paraphrase what they have said to show you understand their need. “It sounds like you’re frustrated about the lack of management training?”.
    • Label their emotion: “It sounds like you’re experiencing some concern about your career path?”
  5. Depending on their answer, you’ll have either:
    • got it wrong and learned something new, or
    • you’ll have an opening to offer some reassurance.
⬇️ Now that you have a better view of the situation and your counterpart knows you are paying attention, get ready to deepen your relationship with the next tactic, Empathy Amplifiers.
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3

Use Empathy Amplifier to display warmth and kindness.

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👤 Who is needed? Just you

🧠 What’s the goal? To progress to a trusting, sharing relationship.

👀 Why is this important? Empathy is a magic ingredient that elevates your relationships by connecting you and your counterpart on an emotional level. It’s also a strategic tactic that encourages them to open up, so you gain insights into their mindset, motivation and values.

💡 Tip: you can’t truly empathise with someone if you believe you’re ‘better’ than them. Leave your biases at the door!

Instructions

  1. As you talk, focus all your attention and body language on listening to and understanding what your counterpart is saying and the feelings behind it.
  2. Remind yourself frequently that you are aiming to connect – you are not yet negotiating.
  3. Elicit empathy from your counterpart by sharing a challenge (“I’ve struggled with effective communications myself, and I know how frustrating it can be when things get lost in translation”) or secret (“I’ve actually got a bit of a phobia when it comes to public speaking”) – but don’t make yourself too vulnerable!
  4. Acknowledge each feeling or concern your counterpart shares with you, for example, by repeating it back to them. Use these opportunities to demonstrate kindness. “I can sense that you’re frustrated with the team communication issues. Can you tell me more about the times where you felt left out of the loop?”.
  5. Validate their perspective, even if you disagree with it: “I can see how that would be frustrating” or “Oh, that’s not a nice feeling to have”. Don’t dismiss or judge their feelings as right or wrong.
  6. Look for changes that indicate they feel like you ‘get’ them. For example, increased warmth and more animated gestures. This indicates the start of an empathetic relationship.

⭐️ Together, these three tactics will help you move through the relationship-building stage that makes negotiations run so much more smoothly. You’ll be surprised how powerful they can be!
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What ways can I use this recipe?+
  • Ahead of time: use these tactics before heading into a negotiation or conflict resolution to plan open questions, practise your affirmative attention skills and remember to validate your counterpart’s feelings.
  • During (and after) the negotiation: every interaction with your counterpart is part of the negotiation. As you gather information, use open questions, gift your undivided attention, and dare to show some vulnerability. This will help you discover valuable information and build a strong, mutual relationship that will help you reach your negotiation goals.
Some tips+
  • Try active listening in everyday conversations. Hone your skills by giving your full attention, asking open questions, and validating others’ feelings in casual interactions with friends, family, or colleagues.
  • Reflect on your biases and assumptions. Regularly examine your own preconceptions and work to maintain an open, non-judgmental mindset when entering negotiations or resolving conflicts.
What next?+

Congratulations! You have completed the I’m All Ears recipe! You’ve learned to use open questions to gather valuable information, practise affirmative attention to make your counterpart feel heard, and employ empathy amplifiers to build strong, trusting relationships. With these tactics in your toolkit, you can navigate negotiations and conflict resolution with confidence and finesse.

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